The beauty of art is that is can help you understand feelings you have but perhaps were not able to articulate clearly. Music in particular has this effect on many.

Recently I came across Jamie Foxx’s ‘In Love By Now’ which captures what I’ve been feeling in a way that moved me when I first heard it. It continues to move me as I continue to listen to it.

It’s a reflection on what could’ve been, perhaps what should’ve been, and it raises a question from within; am I where I hoped I’d be?

I look at the love around me whether it be between partners in my family, my friends and their partners, and even strangers with theirs.
I think back to my thoughts growing up and what I hoped my life would be like when I grew older.
I reminisce on relationships and realise all the things I could’ve done better and wonder if it would’ve made a difference.
I can’t deny the feeling that I am supposed to be in love by now.

People often say their biggest fear is dying alone. It’s an understandable fear but not what scares me. I don’t mind if I die alone. What scares me is living alone. What scares me is if in 10 years I listen to this song again and it still resonates. What scares me is if in 20 years I listen to this song again and it breaks my heart.

I must remind myself though that the only thing between where I hope to be and where I am is myself. More specifically, what is holding me under are the unhelpful narratives in my mind. As I continue to improve my internal narratives so too shall I continue to improve my circumstances. As I continue to understand and practice loving myself so too shall I understand how to accept love from another.

Perhaps I am supposed to be in love by now. Perhaps not. Regardless, I must accept that I am worthy of love and knowing this is enough.